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Post by Mark Caringer on Jun 8, 2009 22:26:03 GMT -5
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Post by Mark Caringer on Jun 8, 2009 23:27:23 GMT -5
I Ioved the story. I liked guessing who the characters were by the clues you left. I'm glad I was picturing the right people, although it wasn't hard with the details you gave. The violence and description were very appropriate for the type of story. It helped put you there and helped you rationalize with wolverine. The ending was great too
If i have to find some cons to the story I would say Wolverine mentioning sex in the last line of Part6, I think it was too soon for that maybe:
"I walk out, head for home, back to my girl. I’ve missed her so much, I can’t wait to get home, hold her safe in my arms, and never let her go."
would be fine, then mention sex in part 7 and You never let me know who wolverine's friend was in the story. I know its hard too since he is only mentioned in the beginning, but somewhere in part 6 or 7 would be great if a simple reference by name maybe wolverine mention that the mission was a success or something.
but like i said great story, we need more, hope you send more soon
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Post by deepredtiger on Jun 9, 2009 0:22:55 GMT -5
Great suggestion Mark, the mention of sex... Well I was trying to show the difference between how Logan feels about sex and his girl verses about the victim was treated. Marvel shows logan openly with women and has even stated the it's one of his devil sides, like when he steal kisses from jean and such.
It's a pretty hard core story but I see your point.
maybe I wrote it too crudely , it was also met to show his passion for keeping his girl safe. Maybe "safe in my Arms is less crude and more passionate than , make love. OK I'll leave that to you, if you want to change it OK, I could go either way.
Think about what I met by it and if it still seems off, then change it. that's OK with me.
If it's changed, then I'll move the sex to part 7 in a line or two. It is in there but kind of hidden.
mmmm You know... I FOTGOT about mentioning his friend's name...d**n LOL it would fit better if I did. I'll pop that in some where in there, I'll have to go threw the story and see where it belongs.
The story was origianal written in an abstract way, no names were ever mentioned it wasn't really a fan fic so I expected once the fan part came in, it would need some adjustments.
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Post by Mark Caringer on Jun 9, 2009 0:32:42 GMT -5
This is your story I'm not changing anything unless you send me the corrections, my suggestions are just that, i make them to let you know I'm care, im just one opinion and just because i have an opinion does make mine right. You keep it the same too, unless you really feel it needs changed, which it really doesn't. My observations a minor at best.
but i was serious about sending more fanfic ;D
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Post by deepredtiger on Jun 9, 2009 0:42:32 GMT -5
OK cool I will keep it as is for now... just wanted to let you know I am open for a needed change. But I think I will wait to see any other views on the idea. Your idea is not a bad one and has marot. I will however send a little correction on the mention of Logan's friend's name, i think I may need that part, LOL Oh and of corse a geek fan like me... I have more fic heehee, some may be tooo crude for posting but some are fit  very happy you like 'em... people that write don't write for themselves, it's no fun if no one shares your world. |
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